Upcycling my Idea Graveyard into a Sandbox

I enjoy working in the financial industry, I genuinely do.  Plus, I am lucky in that my job allows me some access to play in the creative playground and roll down pithy hills and swing on alliterative branches- all within the clear line of sight of content reviewers and regulators of course.  

Today, I received an email from our agency partner with 4-5 subject line suggestions for an upcoming recruitment email.  This was followed by an email from our account director hinting at the suggestions that she refrained from sending through sheer self control.  Yes, we would have passed on those suggestions but it got me thinking about the content that I inevitably throw into the trash chute, even though it is often the garbage that gets me to the final draft.

I used to think of it as a content graveyard, a dark place where ideas were buried, never visited or remembered beyond a hasty burial.  Frankly, I really like some of these ideas, some are bombs and some are the product of way, way, way too much caffeine and not enough laps around the office.  To fart on someone's creativity, writing, brainstorms or ideas is what breeds self-conscious, desperate girlfriend behavior and manifests in bouts of impervious writer's block and alcoholism (see: Hemingway or my old boss).  That said...

Welcome to my sandbox, where the dummies, loners, weirdos and sluts of my ideas can play in the sand (this is not a progressive sandbox with those redwood chips or foam blocks instead of sand and cat turds).  They are not equal, some got here through old fashioned spit-balling with glitter pens while others rode in on the substance abuse express, scribbled in lip liner on a napkin.  But, what they all have in common is they were rejected by my superiors but now shared by me. All specific identifiers have been removed.

Post titles and subject line suggestions:

Are XX Investments the Beanie Babies of the Investment World?
Portfolio Yoga: Downward Dollar-Cost Averaging
You Advised the $%&! Out of Us!
All's Quiet on the Sequester Front

On home country bias:
Agoraphobic Investment Portfolios (on Home Country Bias)
The Emotional Hindrance of Ethnocentric Investing

All the Single Countries (I included instructions for the reviewer that read, "Note, this sounds best in Beyonce's voice")

Erotic Fan Fiction: How the Grinch Stole Christmas but Cindy-Lou Who Stole His Dignity

I'm adding to this a little each day or, as my father would say, "Every little bit helps said the little old lady as she peed in the sea."


Prologue

Cindy-Lou Who had just turned 22,
"It's time," she thought "I know just what to do.

It was 20 years past that he ruined her Who-Christmas
"But now it my time. Let's revenge fuck this business!"

Logue

Every Who...
Down in Whoville...
Liked Christmas a lot.

But the Grinch...
Who lived just north of Whoville did NOT.

The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!
And the Who's were to blame (and we all know the reason).

Yes, there was a brief window, a blip or a tic
When the Ginch's tiny heart grew the size of a brick

The Whos joyful singing had melted his soul
it opened his floodgate and sparked up the dormant coal.

After robbing them, pillaging and double decking their crappers
The Whos taught the Grinch the best gifts aren't in wrappers
They welcomed the thief into their houses open-armed,
and let him carve the roast beast that was sustainably farmed.

After feasting he sang and played with all their Who toys,
Paying close mind to the Who girls and boys.

"They're such stupid brats," the Grinch thought with a snort,
as they ripped apart bed sheets to build a large fort. 

The Grinch rolled his eyes and his attention did sway,
while his acidic heart began to turn gray.
His stomach then rumbled and jabbed with a start,
Oh fuck, thought the Grinch, a spicy beast fart!

I'm walking down the grocery aisle « Thought Catalog

5 Places I Hate Seeing Couples « Thought Catalog

Caught in the Neti

So, been on a bit of a crunchy, granola, Eastern, zen-like diatribe for the last three weeks.  During this time I became besties with this stupid Neti Pot.  It is all kinds of disgusting, gross, impossible face geometry -- but dammit if it doesn't work.  I got one for my house and have one that is living at the SVL house [more on that later]. 

I have so many questions about the appropriateness of usage with the Neti -- YouTube would suggest it is as normal as brushing your teeth.  The sh*t that comes out of my nose, along with the guttural noises I make, would suggest that it is a method of torture.  I tried to find THE most awkward video on YouTube, you decide.

If you need me, I will be sticking stuff in my nose cuz I wanna film myself flush it out?

Unfortunately I am this awkward

First and foremost, did I mention that I am probably the best animator this side of the Mississippi?  Check out my pistol whipping Pixar thrillin' skills that me and Fat Bellied Girl did to get our Fantasy Football league pumped up for our big draft on Thursday.  Oh yeah, did I mention that I am the G-D Commissioner this year?  That's right kids, no more "participant" - Mama is in charge!  I got a new team name, new look and new friggin attitude. 

I just need to refine my strategy....or get one.

Passing of the Torch
by: annawolf

Bachelor Pad 2: The Only Day the pH of the Pool is Safe

My favorite show, Bachelor Pad, is back with the same vengeance as the rampant syphilis outbreak that happened in the Orient that caused the obvious shrill insanity, face chewing, forlorn looks of the insufferable Herbert.

Rather than piss myself off and not want to write about anything anymore, I am going to focus on small commentary, because if I attempted to recap all three hours of BP2, I would need to consult a better thesaurus to find synonyms for 'lazy eye', 'skank', and 'sexually transmitted infection'.

Plus I only watched the first hour so far -- that's how bad it is.  Although, I actually like Michelle right now, and hope she gets another black eye but gets some sort of parting gift for cancer research.

Anywhoooo here are my main thoughts on HOUR 1:

"I'm Jackie, you might remember me from Brad's 2nd season, I went on the princess date.".

No Jackie, no one remembers you, you are completely UTTERLY forgettable.

Of course her and Ames, the two peeps with the least amount of sex appeal and personalities of a sack of rocks would start hooking up. Thanks Ames. You and your wooden white teeth are banished back to Mount Vernon or wherever you yups come from.
I loooove it. Vienna's mug is fug like a pug and she has crazy lazy eyes that swim in opposite directions.


Thank you ABC, I only wish you reached further into the moldy barrel of rejects and pulled out some stunners like that fat guy Bob [?], the Cambodian whore, or even someone from Joe Millionaire. 

Until next week, I will be looking for undies in breathable fabrics.

Vacay Through Day 8. Top 8.

We have been on a "road trip" vacation of sorts for the last 8 days, 3 or so more to go.  The intention wasn't to go on a road trip, but once we saw our plans laid out there wasn't really another way to describe it.  In the last 8 days we have been to (as in stopped in or stayed over in) Arroyo Grande, Ventura, Camarillo, Santa Barbara, Isla Vista, Pozo, Atascadero, and Paso Robles.  The nomadic lifestyle doesn't suit me at all, although I- or anyone who knows me, could have called that, since I hate car trips.  I'd like to think that I have been on my best behavior and been a good wife/passenger/travel companion, but I also won't kid myself.  Outside of the car rides, this trip has been spectacular...photos and videos are hogging memory on both phones and a camera, can't wait to get home and load everything. 

While Colton golfs I am at a coffee shop in Paso Robles working on various "life admin" and, as a neurotic lister...started thinking...so here is my Top 8 of our vacation so far.

CK Road Trip Vacation 2011 Top 8

8. NERTS! Felt fairly confident with my card playing skills until I played a 3 person game with Colton and his mother.  They both moved so fast that it almost gave me a panic attack and totally threw my game off for pretty much the remainder of the trip!  Awesome.

7. Cirque de Rite Aid: Animal Circus Cookie Ice Cream- Those disgustingly delicious pink and white sprinkled monstrosoties crushed up in ice cream and then scooped with the traditional "Thrifty" ice cream scoop cylinder??  I only had this on the very first day we were in Santa Barbara, and it was so perfect, I actually prefer to let it stay unblemished in my memory. 

6. Isla Vista Epicurean Delights: I am referring, of course, to Javan's (Philly Burger, Chicken Club, Fries, Ranch), Woodstocks (Wildbread, Pepperoni Pizza, ranch, Cinnoman Bread), Freebirds (loaded steak nachos, too many ingredients), Silvergreen's (yeah we ate at another location, same difference).  Nothing makes you feel like a grown up than ordering exactly as much as you want at a place that you used to consider expensive before you had a full time job.

5. Red Dirt Road: Family friend generously gave us a Jeep ride all through his property in Pozo, CA yesterday (Google it).  It is one of those places that makes you understand where the term "God's country" comes from.  My mental Polaroid was on overdrive as we hauled through the foothills in 85 degree weather.  I know he won't read this, but we can't thank Joey enough for that experience. 

4. UCSB Bookstore: Decided that it was appropriate to outfit our entire house in UCSB gear.  As in, everything they put UCSB on, we now own.  I guess everyone also knows what they are getting for Christmas...

3. Pitcher This: Sam's To Go- it would be virtually impossible for you to go to UCSB, even for a long weekend, and not go to Sam's.  Our time in IV was not just devoted to eating our way through the cess pool.  We sat in the sun, shared 2 pitchers of ice cold beer, chatted with the owner, and just took it all in- how cheesy is that?

2. Modern Family: Have I mentioned how much I love my family?  Have I?  Well, they are so amazing.  My in laws are the most welcoming and fun people to be around, even when they are kicking my butt in cards!  They are a hysterical bunch, and I actually think that, as a whole we are more interesting, funny, and potentially even more neurotic than the Dunphy's.  We all definitely have our own quirks unique just to that person.  My niece, Parker, is a genius, stunning, and is perfect.  You can't convince me otherwise, and if you try I know you are lying, and lying about my family is offensive to me, so I will fight you.

1. Memory Lane Littered: Hand in hand with Colton, we walked the entire length of Del Playa, up to 6839 Sabado, and then back down the length of DP.  It should be noted that we walked in the traditional way, in the very middle of the street with no regard for cars- I miss that.  As we walked, each apartment building brought back memories, some more clear than others, and we saw familiar faces.  Those rundown apartments with their astronomical rent, squashed living spaces, and cemetery after cemetery of furniture long forgotten, represent a huge part of our history- what brought us together, what shaped our early years as individuals and as a couple.  We took lots of pictures of this too, knowing that we may never come back to Isla Vista and have time to walk the length of Del Playa, and I am so glad we did.  If we can't do the DP walk, I hope we can at least find somewhere to walk in the middle of the road.

Until next time, I will be trying to figure out what bag I put my last clean shirt in.