Cut to the Chase: DWTS in 200 words or less

OK my faithful followers (yes, all of you, including the multiple profiles I begged my mom to set up so that it looks popular) I have a confession.  I am SO over DWTS this season.  I don't know if it is because the participants are an uncommon set of forgettable faces, or if it is that Bruno has been behaving himself and is now only verbally molesting the contestants. 

Either way, it is a CHORE to write about this show now, or even to talk about it.  However I promised to stick it out for the rest of the season, and I will honor that, I just never specified HOW I would do that.  This week, I will recap what you need to know about DWTS in 30 words or less.  Forgive my grammar and run on sentences, as they only reflect the complete apathy I have toward all things DWTS this week.

Here we go:

ABC intern got back from spring break with a case of the herp as well as a gallon of spray paint in the shade of nutmeg.  Makeup team, under the impression that the Jersey Shore look is popular, was more than happy to shelac all the contestants in a hearty layer of paint.  All the contestants looked to be one sequined Roman cross away from qualifying for ABC's sister show Douching with the Stars.  Kendra and her fear frozen face (I'm guessing part Botox, part uncertainty at dancing sans pole) was sent home and she regaled the audience with some slutty stripper moves, and for the first time, she looked like a natural.  Buh Bye Kendra, we won't miss you but if we did we could watch your show.  My money is still on Chelsea, she is the best dancer, so if she goes home I....don't really care.  ABC step up your game and bring me some Bachelor Pad! 

Yes, I heart Bachelor Pad, second only to Dating in the Dark.  BP doesn't start until August, presumably because ABC needs to stockpile penicillin, glass objects that fit nicely into small lady hands for throwing, and they need to locate Wes Hayden- last seen playing at Finger Furniture in TX. 



Oh YES!  Or, should I say, OH WES! fm celebritychatta



Performing at Finger AND Fingers?  Big year for the modern day Shakespeare
fm ihategreenbeans.com

Until next time, I will be figuring out how to decrease my word count on DWTS and trying to avoid sodium overload from Cinco de Mayo.  I'm not optimistic about either of those.

Character Building Family Stories (CBFS): Wearing Shorts

What follows here is a story passed down from my parents about my behavior as a young child.  While the details may not be 100% accurate, the gist is in the delivery.

Growing up, there was a park near our house.  We went there so much we just called it "Our Park."  They had the good swings that were could make you go really high, especially if my dad gave us "catdogs" (when he would push the swing so high the slack of the chains would snap) or "underdogs" (less fun, he would push us and run underneath the swing). 

One February morning in Modesto, our family was getting ready to go to Our Park.  February in Modesto usually has highs in the mid fifties, and this day was no exception.  Despite the blistering cold I was hell bent on getting to wear shorts to the park, and apparently threw a tantrum while getting dressed.  I have a suspicion it looked something like this (although I hope I was not still in diapers).  You know, methodical, planned and much, much louder.

I hate when people tell you what to wear, and when I was little it was no different.  Although my childhood pictures will show clothes were not really my thing, if I wanted to wear something else, dammit I was going to!  After much screaming, threatening, kicking and whining, I went to the park bundled up.  It was gray outside and pretty cold, but I wouldn't help but think about how unhappy I was in the outfit I was wearing.  Oh well...fast forward to the park.  My family and I were having a picnic (possibly the funnest thing you can do, even as an adult) and I was trying to maintain tear stained cheeks to remind my parents how pissed I was.  A homeless woman wandered over near our blanket and started going through the trash (After living in San Francisco for 6 years this behavior doesn't make me think twice.  In fact, the trash cans have a top part that you can put your recyclables in so that the scavengers can get them easier.).  She pulled out a stained Taco Bell bag, and started eating whatever was in it.

I was watching her like a hawk, and my parents were watching me thinking "Oh Sh*t, please don't let our loudmouth daughter say anything about the woman who just pulled garbage out of the trash and is eating it in front of our family."  With a slow evil turn I managed to look at my parents, both with surprise and vengeance and I screamed "Well, how come SHE gets to wear SHORTS!!!!"  I want to think that this comment was actually a relief to my parents, since they were anticipating something embarrassing, right?  I wasn't grossed out by her behavior, I was furious at the fact that SHE got to wear shorts that day and my parents had told me over and over NO NO NO!!  Even now I get a little bit heated about what I wear and when, and now that I am an adult, nobody can tell me NO. 

Me and my shorts, in happier times.

Until next time, I will be cutting the legs off of all my pants.  It's summer right?

Culmination of True Love

This past long weekend, I was in my bff Amy’s wedding to Nathan Grijalva. It was an absolutely beautiful wedding, she looked simply stunning. As much as my dress was not attractive on me and uncomfortable, the feeling of getting to closely witness the union of two people who love each other so much is truly special. Rather than try to describe everything here is my top 8 of what I loved about their wedding:




8. Amy’s dress, aside from my own, the prettiest wedding dress I have ever seen.


7. Her impeccable eye for detail (pictures to come later of all of the details that I know she slaved over, my Type A lobster).


6. The hysterical, pee in your pants laughing that ensued with everyone there. My stomach hurts so bad today.


5. Someone asking me “If I was OK” out of nowhere and me giving a bitchy “yeah, I’m fiiiine.”. Then two hours later, the same woman came up to apologize because she thought I was the “other blonde bridesmaid- the one who was hammered” (who also happened to be passed out in my bed.


4. Seeing my husband on his knees pounding a Sminoff Ice.


3. Getting to see all my best friends in one place, getting ready together, and acting like a bunch of girls.


2. Ripping the waist of my bridesmaid dress while playing air hockey with Colton.


1. Hearing Nate’s voice crack when he said his vows, and Amy’s too.






Pictures to come!