Cut to the Chase: DWTS in 200 words or less

OK my faithful followers (yes, all of you, including the multiple profiles I begged my mom to set up so that it looks popular) I have a confession.  I am SO over DWTS this season.  I don't know if it is because the participants are an uncommon set of forgettable faces, or if it is that Bruno has been behaving himself and is now only verbally molesting the contestants. 

Either way, it is a CHORE to write about this show now, or even to talk about it.  However I promised to stick it out for the rest of the season, and I will honor that, I just never specified HOW I would do that.  This week, I will recap what you need to know about DWTS in 30 words or less.  Forgive my grammar and run on sentences, as they only reflect the complete apathy I have toward all things DWTS this week.

Here we go:

ABC intern got back from spring break with a case of the herp as well as a gallon of spray paint in the shade of nutmeg.  Makeup team, under the impression that the Jersey Shore look is popular, was more than happy to shelac all the contestants in a hearty layer of paint.  All the contestants looked to be one sequined Roman cross away from qualifying for ABC's sister show Douching with the Stars.  Kendra and her fear frozen face (I'm guessing part Botox, part uncertainty at dancing sans pole) was sent home and she regaled the audience with some slutty stripper moves, and for the first time, she looked like a natural.  Buh Bye Kendra, we won't miss you but if we did we could watch your show.  My money is still on Chelsea, she is the best dancer, so if she goes home I....don't really care.  ABC step up your game and bring me some Bachelor Pad! 

Yes, I heart Bachelor Pad, second only to Dating in the Dark.  BP doesn't start until August, presumably because ABC needs to stockpile penicillin, glass objects that fit nicely into small lady hands for throwing, and they need to locate Wes Hayden- last seen playing at Finger Furniture in TX. 



Oh YES!  Or, should I say, OH WES! fm celebritychatta



Performing at Finger AND Fingers?  Big year for the modern day Shakespeare
fm ihategreenbeans.com

Until next time, I will be figuring out how to decrease my word count on DWTS and trying to avoid sodium overload from Cinco de Mayo.  I'm not optimistic about either of those.

Creative Product Placement and Obsession of the Moment

I get impulsed by commercials, they are what I base the majority of my daily purchasing habits on. Now, I work in marketing, so I am fully aware of how and why this happens and the thought and research behind producing a commercial, infomercial, or magazine ad.  However, despite being privy to such “insider” industry information, I have still been able to acquire things that are just plain crap: Tony Little’s Gazelle, Jessica Simpson Hairdo human hair extensions, Slap Chop, etc. The good ones are limited to Bare Escentuals, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, GHD hair straightener, and anything with Febreeze written on it. When I first saw these eye rollers hit the market (a few other companies have them too) I was intrigued. I must have seen the commercials a few times before being in the drugstore and thinking “Oh yah, I should look for that.” The only one I could remember was the Garnier Skin-Renew Anti Dark-Circle Eye Roller. There is also an Anti-Puff roller, but this one looks to have some neutral color to it so I snatched it up.

From Garnier.com, doesn't it just look like it works?

O.M.G. This product is amazing!! The first time I rolled it under my eyes, the cool metal ball instantly soothed my under eye area to the touch. The color that is left is very sheer but it definitely brightens your under eye area! I am hooked, as in seriously hooked, as in I am keeping one at work and one at home hooked. It costs less than $10 and worth every bit. I have used multiple under eye soothers from Origins, Khiel’s, and Laura Mercier to name a few. None can compare to the job that this lil thing does. It even works if you don’t have dark circles but maybe allergies, my allergies make my face feel hot and puffy sometimes, and this is the perfect thing to remedy that 3pm feeling that I should take another Advil Allergy Sinus (and stay up all nigh from the pseudoephedrine).

This past weekend I was in Arroyo Grande visiting my in-laws and Sunday was a girl’s day as the boys were in a golf tournament. I shared the eye roller it with my mother in-law and my sister in-law and they both had the same reaction I did. While they both don’t NEED it, they were surprised by the cool feeling and the skin brightening color that it provided. I want to share this with everyone I know because it is just THAT good, and also I selfishly want to ensure it remains on the market for years to come. Available at drugstores, now go!

Character Building Family Stories (CBFS): Wearing Shorts

What follows here is a story passed down from my parents about my behavior as a young child.  While the details may not be 100% accurate, the gist is in the delivery.

Growing up, there was a park near our house.  We went there so much we just called it "Our Park."  They had the good swings that were could make you go really high, especially if my dad gave us "catdogs" (when he would push the swing so high the slack of the chains would snap) or "underdogs" (less fun, he would push us and run underneath the swing). 

One February morning in Modesto, our family was getting ready to go to Our Park.  February in Modesto usually has highs in the mid fifties, and this day was no exception.  Despite the blistering cold I was hell bent on getting to wear shorts to the park, and apparently threw a tantrum while getting dressed.  I have a suspicion it looked something like this (although I hope I was not still in diapers).  You know, methodical, planned and much, much louder.

I hate when people tell you what to wear, and when I was little it was no different.  Although my childhood pictures will show clothes were not really my thing, if I wanted to wear something else, dammit I was going to!  After much screaming, threatening, kicking and whining, I went to the park bundled up.  It was gray outside and pretty cold, but I wouldn't help but think about how unhappy I was in the outfit I was wearing.  Oh well...fast forward to the park.  My family and I were having a picnic (possibly the funnest thing you can do, even as an adult) and I was trying to maintain tear stained cheeks to remind my parents how pissed I was.  A homeless woman wandered over near our blanket and started going through the trash (After living in San Francisco for 6 years this behavior doesn't make me think twice.  In fact, the trash cans have a top part that you can put your recyclables in so that the scavengers can get them easier.).  She pulled out a stained Taco Bell bag, and started eating whatever was in it.

I was watching her like a hawk, and my parents were watching me thinking "Oh Sh*t, please don't let our loudmouth daughter say anything about the woman who just pulled garbage out of the trash and is eating it in front of our family."  With a slow evil turn I managed to look at my parents, both with surprise and vengeance and I screamed "Well, how come SHE gets to wear SHORTS!!!!"  I want to think that this comment was actually a relief to my parents, since they were anticipating something embarrassing, right?  I wasn't grossed out by her behavior, I was furious at the fact that SHE got to wear shorts that day and my parents had told me over and over NO NO NO!!  Even now I get a little bit heated about what I wear and when, and now that I am an adult, nobody can tell me NO. 

Me and my shorts, in happier times.

Until next time, I will be cutting the legs off of all my pants.  It's summer right?

Character Building Family Stories (CBFS): Emailin' with Buddy

(Sidenote, I am so annoyed with DWTS that I am boycotting a recap this week)

Growing up, my dad stayed at home and my mom worked.  I never thought much of it until I watched the movie Mr Mom.  The scene where the clique of moms take Michael Keaton's character to a male strip club was not actually disturbing to me- I figured that is what my father did while we were at school- because to an 8 year old it seemed to portray reality pretty closely in other ways.  It wasn't until recently that I admitted this faulty speculation to my father, which was met with some hysterical laughter coupled with a disturbing lack of surprise that was intended to make fun of my gullibility but really only seemed to incriminate my dad.

My father is a jack of any and all trades.  He can remodel a room, punish 4 children, grocery shop with two carts, close escrow on 4 houses in a down market, watch an episode of Law and Order, and make a damn delicious gourmet meal in the time it takes normal people to have their morning "movement".  There is one thing that my father has not, probably will not, and doesn't care enough to master: EMAIL.  He uses email for his business, but, let's just say that the man refuses to learn little tricks like "Reply All".  He is an amazing story teller, joke teller, and conversationalist, so it is kind of surprising that his emails lack the same amount of detail.  When I get an email from my dad, it always makes me smile...the other day we got going on what may be considered a conversation, though the lack of punctuation and context would prove otherwise.  You may not find this as funny as I did, so if that is the case, just delete this web address from your browser history so you never accidentally stumble upon it again and I will continue to produce delicious nuggets for those who appreciate such juvenile humor.

(The only editing I did to this chain was to 1. cut and paste so it was in chronological order and 2. take out a really dirty joke that I emailed him.  If you read my earlier post, it was just the rough joke in Bossypants that Tina Fey tells toward the end.)

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 8:09 AM, JP wrote:


Hi Honey,
Hope you and Mr Colton are doing good.Checking to see if might becoming home for Mother Day ?
If you do come home bring me a present too ....... 36 waist 34 inseam
Father

From: Katie Imming
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:01 AM
To: JP
Subject: Re: Good Morning




For sure I will come!! Not sure which date - Fri or Sat or Sun but I will be there, I will check with Colton and make sure he can come too...if he does I will make sure he brings his 32 34 pants for you to steal, hehehe.

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 11:04 AM, JP wrote:


LOL LOL LOL Dad
 
From: Katie Imming

Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:09 AM To: JP
Subject: Re: Good Morning


Glad you learned what LOL means, but do you know these:
GTFO

WTF

STFU

LMAO

ROTFL
I will buy you a cookie if you get any right...

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 11:18 AM, JP wrote:
3 out of five the tpo ones where's my cookie?
 
From: Katie Imming
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 12:54 PM
To: JP
Subject: Re: Good Morning


You have to tell me what they mean, write them out. Then I give you macadamia nut cookie.
 
On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 1:19 PM, JP wrote:
get the f out
what the f
shut the f up
?
?

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 1:49 PM, Katie Imming wrote:
You win!!!
The others are:
Laughing My Ass Off
Rolling On The Floor Laughing
GTFO is the phrase of the day...
Love you!!!!
 
On Thu Apr 28, 2011 at 2:48 JP wrote:
 
Love You !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)


COOKIE :)
 
And, that was it!  Yes, it may not be as funny to an outsider, or even an insider, but it just goes to show you 1. your parents will totally pick up on text speak acronyms 2. despite his lack of interest in email communication my father has slipped about 4-5 inside jokes that live between the lines of these emails and 3. my dad is WAY cooler than yours.

I am the one at the caboose (clothing bottoms weren't really my thing).  

Until next time, I'll be searching for my clothing bottoms and looking into financing spinal fusion surgery as a small apology for using him as a form of transportation for so many years.

Crotch Biscuits: My New Favorite Slang Word

Dostoevsky said (uh I am totally paraphrasing) "Sarcasm is the last refuge of people when the privacy of their soul has been intrusively invaded".  Yikes, if my name was Fyodor I might feel the same way.  Sarcasm, for me, is the bread and butter of my day- the reason I can get through the majority of my meetings without my eyes flopping out of their sockets and my thick red optic nerve swinging them from side to side like a metronome.


Yes, this man looks to have an EXCELLENT sense of humor


I am halfway through Bossypants by Tina Fey, and I have laughed out loud more times than any other book I have ever read (slightly beating My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler and Ruby by VC Andrews that I read for my Tween Book Club with FatBelliedGirl).  Tina Fey makes up her own language, much as she does on 30 Rock, her show.  However, she really outdoes herself in this book, making me fall even more madly in love with her.  Here is a rundown of the items that have made my week (many thanks to my Kindle for telling me how far I have made it into a book):

On Beauty:
Crotch Biscuits: the wobbly triangles on one's inner thigh.

On Emotion:
Blorft: completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to stress with the torpor of a possum.

On Daily Life (this is my most favoritest part ever):
I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that. But now I do.

On Fashion:
Oversize T-shirts, bike shorts, and wrestling shoes. To prevent the silhouette from being to baggy, I would cinch it at the waist with my fanny pack....I was nailing it on a daily basis.

On Tracy Morgan and Cornbread (from 30Rock):
TRACY Like it? I love it! I love that cornbread so much I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant!


This book has merit for the disgruntled business savvy woman looking to shake things up, and she draws on her improv background many times as the engine that drives her decisions and that has made her successful.  While I cannot really walk into someone's office and say "I can't believe your water just broke (annnnnd go)!" I do think the "Yes AND" part is relevant.  Actually I know it is relevant because two years ago we had an actor come to an offsite and teach us the exact same thing.  Tina Fey is every nerdy concoction of funny that I could ever hope to be.  This book is a gem and highly recommended to kick your sarcastic a$$ out of the dumps.

My favorite male nerd of all time, Urkel who?

And I will end with what happens if you Google Image "Nerd Alert".

From slogger.com

Until next time, I will be sitting in my cubicle, wondering where my friendl the night janitor has gone.

CHOKE! It's DWTS, but does anyone really care? (Part Two)

So long, farewell, auf weidersen goobye...to Petra.  The most beautiful, graceful, yet least 'Merican of this rough and tumble group.  I would be more upset, but frankly, I am just waiting for this to all be over.  To go back to a simpler America, one that was less flammable, didn't wear white jeans (I'm looking at you, Toby), and take songs about my beloved country and make half wits pretend to dance to them. 

Next week looks promising, so until then I will be watching a marathon of Toddlers and Tiara's hoping to convince myself that it was all a dream.  That is, until Dateline picks me up for googling "Toddlers and Tiaras America Talent" eek.

CHOKE! It's DWTS, but does anyone really care? (Part One)

OK, so the title is really meant as a pithy punch at me, since millions of people care about DWTS, and I was actually well prepared enough to take notes and write this post as soon as I was done gushing over J Jackson's wretched arms (that rival Madonna's only because they are slightly less vascular).  Then, my week transitioned into slovenly hours spent watching "Head Case" on Netflix and eating BBQ chips for breakfast before brushing my teeth?  TMI?  Yeah, that is the point, I am writing a post and simultaneously shaming myself into submission of a better, less creepy existence.

So, since tomorrow promises to bring about brighter days and better performers and performances on DWTS, I will dutifully recap what was possibly the most awkward few hours of television that I have seen in awhile.  Actually, make that reality television, since Glee has started to make me feel like I am watching Lifetime movies on repeat.  Just keep singing kids, quit the dialogue!

But, I digress. 

It was "America" week on DWTS.  As anyone can tell you, I am a HUGE fan of the 'ol U.S. of A.  The red, white and blue color scheme has always been a flattering vibrant palette for anyone, but also a buffet of hot dogs, apple pie, deviled eggs, baseball (snacks) and shit-kickin seems like a mighty right recipe for a honky tonk weekend! However, dances that originate in Latin or European countries, paired with terrible karaoke versions of American classics, did little more than take a massive turd on the knee of the Lincoln Memorial.  They had even tried to recuscitate with Toby Keith, resident right-wingin'-'Merican-lovin'-terrorist-ass-stompin citizen, but even he looked uncomfortable, bored, and generally pissed that the pigeon interns at DWTS were allowed to pitch ideas the theme that week, and that the one who forgot he worked for Americas Broadcasting Network, won.  I am actually too bored to try and find new ways to describe the heresy conducted, so I will just succinctly describe the dancers/ dances/ and any other details I chose to write down.  Then, maybe, just maybe, I can get this all behind me in time to go find some Easter eggs that our neighbor kids were too blind to find (hahahahaha, 3 year olds and their terrible sight).

Last rant before lists, promise, I just want to point out that only one of the judges- Carrie Ann- may be American.  I would bet my last dollar on the fact that Bruno/Lem would have immediately halted production had they seen similar defecations being made at the Island of Misfit Toys.

Ralph/ Karina | Samba | "Sweet Home Alabama" - yah, it started out with a bang.  I changed the channel at least twice during this monstrosity as I thought I was watching a Telemundo episode where they make fun of American culture.  No such luck, it was simply the Karate Kid (I know this now) and his spatula hands looking like a kid who just peed himself at his first recorder recital. 

Chris J/ Cheryl | Viennese Waltz | America the Beautiful - Chris Jericho is still super hot, and he was in uniform, Shut.Up.  The cheese factor here was relatively low since it was one of few combinations where the footwork matched the song.  Oh, AND he was in.uniform.hot.  I just wish the camera men would stop panning to some broke chick in the audience, who I understand may be his wife.

Petra/ Dmitri | Quick Step | Leaving Las Vegas - Petra is 'dorable, surrriously.  This combo, however, was the most atrocious of the night.

Romeo/ Chelsea | Foxtrot | New York New York - Romeo actually looked really cute and smiley.  you cannot help but like him even though he sticks his tongue out when dancing.  This combo did not work together, but their scores were good.

Hines Ward/ Kym | Rhumba | Proud to be an American - Another uniform.hot.  His moves were limited but he did pretty well overall.

Kirstie/ Maks | Foxtrot | American Woman- They were nice enough to bring in Johnny Travolta and give him a respite from measuring his theton levels, lure him to her house on the premise of casting for another Look Who's Talking, and have him give pretend advice to the woman who the most star power of anyone left.  She looked gigantic/ hungry/ and uncomfortable in her outfit all at the same time.  Her scored reflected a decent performance, which was the most surprising bit of all.  I think my theton levels need to be checked.

Kendra/ Louis | Foxtrot | Yankee Doodle- GROAN GROAN GROAN. Bad fake facial hair. GROAN.  Kendra whining about last week and her aversion to elegance.  GROAN.  They looked like a creepy father/ daughter combo from Toddlers and Tiaras during the talent portion.


Chelsea/ Mark | Samba | Party in the USA- of course they give the spry 22 year old the only song that was written in the last 50 years.  To compensate for the fact that they gave her a semblence of a chance on the number, they put her in fringe tastic vomit to age her appropriately.  Nice one ABC. 

So, all in all, I don't care about the scores.  However, I care about the atrocity that was the song and dance combination. 

I'll be curled up in a ball, untangling fringe balls, trying to slow dance to Shania.