Thursday, October 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Caught in the Neti
So, been on a bit of a crunchy, granola, Eastern, zen-like diatribe for the last three weeks. During this time I became besties with this stupid Neti Pot. It is all kinds of disgusting, gross, impossible face geometry -- but dammit if it doesn't work. I got one for my house and have one that is living at the SVL house [more on that later].
I have so many questions about the appropriateness of usage with the Neti -- YouTube would suggest it is as normal as brushing your teeth. The sh*t that comes out of my nose, along with the guttural noises I make, would suggest that it is a method of torture. I tried to find THE most awkward video on YouTube, you decide.
If you need me, I will be sticking stuff in my nose cuz I wanna film myself flush it out?
I have so many questions about the appropriateness of usage with the Neti -- YouTube would suggest it is as normal as brushing your teeth. The sh*t that comes out of my nose, along with the guttural noises I make, would suggest that it is a method of torture. I tried to find THE most awkward video on YouTube, you decide.
If you need me, I will be sticking stuff in my nose cuz I wanna film myself flush it out?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Unfortunately I am this awkward
First and foremost, did I mention that I am probably the best animator this side of the Mississippi? Check out my pistol whipping Pixar thrillin' skills that me and Fat Bellied Girl did to get our Fantasy Football league pumped up for our big draft on Thursday. Oh yeah, did I mention that I am the G-D Commissioner this year? That's right kids, no more "participant" - Mama is in charge! I got a new team name, new look and new friggin attitude.
I just need to refine my strategy....or get one.
I just need to refine my strategy....or get one.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Bachelor Pad 2: The Only Day the pH of the Pool is Safe
My favorite show, Bachelor Pad, is back with the same vengeance as the rampant syphilis outbreak that happened in the Orient that caused the obvious shrill insanity, face chewing, forlorn looks of the insufferable Herbert.
Rather than piss myself off and not want to write about anything anymore, I am going to focus on small commentary, because if I attempted to recap all three hours of BP2, I would need to consult a better thesaurus to find synonyms for 'lazy eye', 'skank', and 'sexually transmitted infection'.
Plus I only watched the first hour so far -- that's how bad it is. Although, I actually like Michelle right now, and hope she gets another black eye but gets some sort of parting gift for cancer research.
Anywhoooo here are my main thoughts on HOUR 1:
"I'm Jackie, you might remember me from Brad's 2nd season, I went on the princess date.".
No Jackie, no one remembers you, you are completely UTTERLY forgettable.
Of course her and Ames, the two peeps with the least amount of sex appeal and personalities of a sack of rocks would start hooking up. Thanks Ames. You and your wooden white teeth are banished back to Mount Vernon or wherever you yups come from.
I loooove it. Vienna's mug is fug like a pug and she has crazy lazy eyes that swim in opposite directions.
Thank you ABC, I only wish you reached further into the moldy barrel of rejects and pulled out some stunners like that fat guy Bob [?], the Cambodian whore, or even someone from Joe Millionaire.
Until next week, I will be looking for undies in breathable fabrics.
Rather than piss myself off and not want to write about anything anymore, I am going to focus on small commentary, because if I attempted to recap all three hours of BP2, I would need to consult a better thesaurus to find synonyms for 'lazy eye', 'skank', and 'sexually transmitted infection'.
Plus I only watched the first hour so far -- that's how bad it is. Although, I actually like Michelle right now, and hope she gets another black eye but gets some sort of parting gift for cancer research.
Anywhoooo here are my main thoughts on HOUR 1:
"I'm Jackie, you might remember me from Brad's 2nd season, I went on the princess date.".
No Jackie, no one remembers you, you are completely UTTERLY forgettable.
Of course her and Ames, the two peeps with the least amount of sex appeal and personalities of a sack of rocks would start hooking up. Thanks Ames. You and your wooden white teeth are banished back to Mount Vernon or wherever you yups come from.
I loooove it. Vienna's mug is fug like a pug and she has crazy lazy eyes that swim in opposite directions.
Thank you ABC, I only wish you reached further into the moldy barrel of rejects and pulled out some stunners like that fat guy Bob [?], the Cambodian whore, or even someone from Joe Millionaire.
Until next week, I will be looking for undies in breathable fabrics.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Vacay Through Day 8. Top 8.
We have been on a "road trip" vacation of sorts for the last 8 days, 3 or so more to go. The intention wasn't to go on a road trip, but once we saw our plans laid out there wasn't really another way to describe it. In the last 8 days we have been to (as in stopped in or stayed over in) Arroyo Grande, Ventura, Camarillo, Santa Barbara, Isla Vista, Pozo, Atascadero, and Paso Robles. The nomadic lifestyle doesn't suit me at all, although I- or anyone who knows me, could have called that, since I hate car trips. I'd like to think that I have been on my best behavior and been a good wife/passenger/travel companion, but I also won't kid myself. Outside of the car rides, this trip has been spectacular...photos and videos are hogging memory on both phones and a camera, can't wait to get home and load everything.
While Colton golfs I am at a coffee shop in Paso Robles working on various "life admin" and, as a neurotic lister...started thinking...so here is my Top 8 of our vacation so far.
While Colton golfs I am at a coffee shop in Paso Robles working on various "life admin" and, as a neurotic lister...started thinking...so here is my Top 8 of our vacation so far.
CK Road Trip Vacation 2011 Top 8
8. NERTS! Felt fairly confident with my card playing skills until I played a 3 person game with Colton and his mother. They both moved so fast that it almost gave me a panic attack and totally threw my game off for pretty much the remainder of the trip! Awesome.
7. Cirque de Rite Aid: Animal Circus Cookie Ice Cream- Those disgustingly delicious pink and white sprinkled monstrosoties crushed up in ice cream and then scooped with the traditional "Thrifty" ice cream scoop cylinder?? I only had this on the very first day we were in Santa Barbara, and it was so perfect, I actually prefer to let it stay unblemished in my memory.
6. Isla Vista Epicurean Delights: I am referring, of course, to Javan's (Philly Burger, Chicken Club, Fries, Ranch), Woodstocks (Wildbread, Pepperoni Pizza, ranch, Cinnoman Bread), Freebirds (loaded steak nachos, too many ingredients), Silvergreen's (yeah we ate at another location, same difference). Nothing makes you feel like a grown up than ordering exactly as much as you want at a place that you used to consider expensive before you had a full time job.
5. Red Dirt Road: Family friend generously gave us a Jeep ride all through his property in Pozo, CA yesterday (Google it). It is one of those places that makes you understand where the term "God's country" comes from. My mental Polaroid was on overdrive as we hauled through the foothills in 85 degree weather. I know he won't read this, but we can't thank Joey enough for that experience.
4. UCSB Bookstore: Decided that it was appropriate to outfit our entire house in UCSB gear. As in, everything they put UCSB on, we now own. I guess everyone also knows what they are getting for Christmas...
3. Pitcher This: Sam's To Go- it would be virtually impossible for you to go to UCSB, even for a long weekend, and not go to Sam's. Our time in IV was not just devoted to eating our way through the cess pool. We sat in the sun, shared 2 pitchers of ice cold beer, chatted with the owner, and just took it all in- how cheesy is that?
2. Modern Family: Have I mentioned how much I love my family? Have I? Well, they are so amazing. My in laws are the most welcoming and fun people to be around, even when they are kicking my butt in cards! They are a hysterical bunch, and I actually think that, as a whole we are more interesting, funny, and potentially even more neurotic than the Dunphy's. We all definitely have our own quirks unique just to that person. My niece, Parker, is a genius, stunning, and is perfect. You can't convince me otherwise, and if you try I know you are lying, and lying about my family is offensive to me, so I will fight you.
1. Memory Lane Littered: Hand in hand with Colton, we walked the entire length of Del Playa, up to 6839 Sabado, and then back down the length of DP. It should be noted that we walked in the traditional way, in the very middle of the street with no regard for cars- I miss that. As we walked, each apartment building brought back memories, some more clear than others, and we saw familiar faces. Those rundown apartments with their astronomical rent, squashed living spaces, and cemetery after cemetery of furniture long forgotten, represent a huge part of our history- what brought us together, what shaped our early years as individuals and as a couple. We took lots of pictures of this too, knowing that we may never come back to Isla Vista and have time to walk the length of Del Playa, and I am so glad we did. If we can't do the DP walk, I hope we can at least find somewhere to walk in the middle of the road.
Until next time, I will be trying to figure out what bag I put my last clean shirt in.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Cut to the Chase: DWTS in 200 words or less
OK my faithful followers (yes, all of you, including the multiple profiles I begged my mom to set up so that it looks popular) I have a confession. I am SO over DWTS this season. I don't know if it is because the participants are an uncommon set of forgettable faces, or if it is that Bruno has been behaving himself and is now only verbally molesting the contestants.
Either way, it is a CHORE to write about this show now, or even to talk about it. However I promised to stick it out for the rest of the season, and I will honor that, I just never specified HOW I would do that. This week, I will recap what you need to know about DWTS in 30 words or less. Forgive my grammar and run on sentences, as they only reflect the complete apathy I have toward all things DWTS this week.
Here we go:
ABC intern got back from spring break with a case of the herp as well as a gallon of spray paint in the shade of nutmeg. Makeup team, under the impression that the Jersey Shore look is popular, was more than happy to shelac all the contestants in a hearty layer of paint. All the contestants looked to be one sequined Roman cross away from qualifying for ABC's sister show Douching with the Stars. Kendra and her fear frozen face (I'm guessing part Botox, part uncertainty at dancing sans pole) was sent home and she regaled the audience with some slutty stripper moves, and for the first time, she looked like a natural. Buh Bye Kendra, we won't miss you but if we did we could watch your show. My money is still on Chelsea, she is the best dancer, so if she goes home I....don't really care. ABC step up your game and bring me some Bachelor Pad!
Yes, I heart Bachelor Pad, second only to Dating in the Dark. BP doesn't start until August, presumably because ABC needs to stockpile penicillin, glass objects that fit nicely into small lady hands for throwing, and they need to locate Wes Hayden- last seen playing at Finger Furniture in TX.
Until next time, I will be figuring out how to decrease my word count on DWTS and trying to avoid sodium overload from Cinco de Mayo. I'm not optimistic about either of those.
Either way, it is a CHORE to write about this show now, or even to talk about it. However I promised to stick it out for the rest of the season, and I will honor that, I just never specified HOW I would do that. This week, I will recap what you need to know about DWTS in 30 words or less. Forgive my grammar and run on sentences, as they only reflect the complete apathy I have toward all things DWTS this week.
Here we go:
ABC intern got back from spring break with a case of the herp as well as a gallon of spray paint in the shade of nutmeg. Makeup team, under the impression that the Jersey Shore look is popular, was more than happy to shelac all the contestants in a hearty layer of paint. All the contestants looked to be one sequined Roman cross away from qualifying for ABC's sister show Douching with the Stars. Kendra and her fear frozen face (I'm guessing part Botox, part uncertainty at dancing sans pole) was sent home and she regaled the audience with some slutty stripper moves, and for the first time, she looked like a natural. Buh Bye Kendra, we won't miss you but if we did we could watch your show. My money is still on Chelsea, she is the best dancer, so if she goes home I....don't really care. ABC step up your game and bring me some Bachelor Pad!
Yes, I heart Bachelor Pad, second only to Dating in the Dark. BP doesn't start until August, presumably because ABC needs to stockpile penicillin, glass objects that fit nicely into small lady hands for throwing, and they need to locate Wes Hayden- last seen playing at Finger Furniture in TX.
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| Oh YES! Or, should I say, OH WES! fm celebritychatta |
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| Performing at Finger AND Fingers? Big year for the modern day Shakespeare fm ihategreenbeans.com |
Until next time, I will be figuring out how to decrease my word count on DWTS and trying to avoid sodium overload from Cinco de Mayo. I'm not optimistic about either of those.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Creative Product Placement and Obsession of the Moment
I get impulsed by commercials, they are what I base the majority of my daily purchasing habits on. Now, I work in marketing, so I am fully aware of how and why this happens and the thought and research behind producing a commercial, infomercial, or magazine ad. However, despite being privy to such “insider” industry information, I have still been able to acquire things that are just plain crap: Tony Little’s Gazelle, Jessica Simpson Hairdo human hair extensions, Slap Chop, etc. The good ones are limited to Bare Escentuals, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, GHD hair straightener, and anything with Febreeze written on it. When I first saw these eye rollers hit the market (a few other companies have them too) I was intrigued. I must have seen the commercials a few times before being in the drugstore and thinking “Oh yah, I should look for that.” The only one I could remember was the Garnier Skin-Renew Anti Dark-Circle Eye Roller. There is also an Anti-Puff roller, but this one looks to have some neutral color to it so I snatched it up.
O.M.G. This product is amazing!! The first time I rolled it under my eyes, the cool metal ball instantly soothed my under eye area to the touch. The color that is left is very sheer but it definitely brightens your under eye area! I am hooked, as in seriously hooked, as in I am keeping one at work and one at home hooked. It costs less than $10 and worth every bit. I have used multiple under eye soothers from Origins, Khiel’s, and Laura Mercier to name a few. None can compare to the job that this lil thing does. It even works if you don’t have dark circles but maybe allergies, my allergies make my face feel hot and puffy sometimes, and this is the perfect thing to remedy that 3pm feeling that I should take another Advil Allergy Sinus (and stay up all nigh from the pseudoephedrine).
This past weekend I was in Arroyo Grande visiting my in-laws and Sunday was a girl’s day as the boys were in a golf tournament. I shared the eye roller it with my mother in-law and my sister in-law and they both had the same reaction I did. While they both don’t NEED it, they were surprised by the cool feeling and the skin brightening color that it provided. I want to share this with everyone I know because it is just THAT good, and also I selfishly want to ensure it remains on the market for years to come. Available at drugstores, now go!
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| From Garnier.com, doesn't it just look like it works? |
O.M.G. This product is amazing!! The first time I rolled it under my eyes, the cool metal ball instantly soothed my under eye area to the touch. The color that is left is very sheer but it definitely brightens your under eye area! I am hooked, as in seriously hooked, as in I am keeping one at work and one at home hooked. It costs less than $10 and worth every bit. I have used multiple under eye soothers from Origins, Khiel’s, and Laura Mercier to name a few. None can compare to the job that this lil thing does. It even works if you don’t have dark circles but maybe allergies, my allergies make my face feel hot and puffy sometimes, and this is the perfect thing to remedy that 3pm feeling that I should take another Advil Allergy Sinus (and stay up all nigh from the pseudoephedrine).
This past weekend I was in Arroyo Grande visiting my in-laws and Sunday was a girl’s day as the boys were in a golf tournament. I shared the eye roller it with my mother in-law and my sister in-law and they both had the same reaction I did. While they both don’t NEED it, they were surprised by the cool feeling and the skin brightening color that it provided. I want to share this with everyone I know because it is just THAT good, and also I selfishly want to ensure it remains on the market for years to come. Available at drugstores, now go!
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