I'm walking down the grocery aisle « Thought Catalog

5 Places I Hate Seeing Couples « Thought Catalog

Caught in the Neti

So, been on a bit of a crunchy, granola, Eastern, zen-like diatribe for the last three weeks.  During this time I became besties with this stupid Neti Pot.  It is all kinds of disgusting, gross, impossible face geometry -- but dammit if it doesn't work.  I got one for my house and have one that is living at the SVL house [more on that later]. 

I have so many questions about the appropriateness of usage with the Neti -- YouTube would suggest it is as normal as brushing your teeth.  The sh*t that comes out of my nose, along with the guttural noises I make, would suggest that it is a method of torture.  I tried to find THE most awkward video on YouTube, you decide.

If you need me, I will be sticking stuff in my nose cuz I wanna film myself flush it out?

Unfortunately I am this awkward

First and foremost, did I mention that I am probably the best animator this side of the Mississippi?  Check out my pistol whipping Pixar thrillin' skills that me and Fat Bellied Girl did to get our Fantasy Football league pumped up for our big draft on Thursday.  Oh yeah, did I mention that I am the G-D Commissioner this year?  That's right kids, no more "participant" - Mama is in charge!  I got a new team name, new look and new friggin attitude. 

I just need to refine my strategy....or get one.

Passing of the Torch
by: annawolf

Bachelor Pad 2: The Only Day the pH of the Pool is Safe

My favorite show, Bachelor Pad, is back with the same vengeance as the rampant syphilis outbreak that happened in the Orient that caused the obvious shrill insanity, face chewing, forlorn looks of the insufferable Herbert.

Rather than piss myself off and not want to write about anything anymore, I am going to focus on small commentary, because if I attempted to recap all three hours of BP2, I would need to consult a better thesaurus to find synonyms for 'lazy eye', 'skank', and 'sexually transmitted infection'.

Plus I only watched the first hour so far -- that's how bad it is.  Although, I actually like Michelle right now, and hope she gets another black eye but gets some sort of parting gift for cancer research.

Anywhoooo here are my main thoughts on HOUR 1:

"I'm Jackie, you might remember me from Brad's 2nd season, I went on the princess date.".

No Jackie, no one remembers you, you are completely UTTERLY forgettable.

Of course her and Ames, the two peeps with the least amount of sex appeal and personalities of a sack of rocks would start hooking up. Thanks Ames. You and your wooden white teeth are banished back to Mount Vernon or wherever you yups come from.
I loooove it. Vienna's mug is fug like a pug and she has crazy lazy eyes that swim in opposite directions.


Thank you ABC, I only wish you reached further into the moldy barrel of rejects and pulled out some stunners like that fat guy Bob [?], the Cambodian whore, or even someone from Joe Millionaire. 

Until next week, I will be looking for undies in breathable fabrics.

Vacay Through Day 8. Top 8.

We have been on a "road trip" vacation of sorts for the last 8 days, 3 or so more to go.  The intention wasn't to go on a road trip, but once we saw our plans laid out there wasn't really another way to describe it.  In the last 8 days we have been to (as in stopped in or stayed over in) Arroyo Grande, Ventura, Camarillo, Santa Barbara, Isla Vista, Pozo, Atascadero, and Paso Robles.  The nomadic lifestyle doesn't suit me at all, although I- or anyone who knows me, could have called that, since I hate car trips.  I'd like to think that I have been on my best behavior and been a good wife/passenger/travel companion, but I also won't kid myself.  Outside of the car rides, this trip has been spectacular...photos and videos are hogging memory on both phones and a camera, can't wait to get home and load everything. 

While Colton golfs I am at a coffee shop in Paso Robles working on various "life admin" and, as a neurotic lister...started thinking...so here is my Top 8 of our vacation so far.

CK Road Trip Vacation 2011 Top 8

8. NERTS! Felt fairly confident with my card playing skills until I played a 3 person game with Colton and his mother.  They both moved so fast that it almost gave me a panic attack and totally threw my game off for pretty much the remainder of the trip!  Awesome.

7. Cirque de Rite Aid: Animal Circus Cookie Ice Cream- Those disgustingly delicious pink and white sprinkled monstrosoties crushed up in ice cream and then scooped with the traditional "Thrifty" ice cream scoop cylinder??  I only had this on the very first day we were in Santa Barbara, and it was so perfect, I actually prefer to let it stay unblemished in my memory. 

6. Isla Vista Epicurean Delights: I am referring, of course, to Javan's (Philly Burger, Chicken Club, Fries, Ranch), Woodstocks (Wildbread, Pepperoni Pizza, ranch, Cinnoman Bread), Freebirds (loaded steak nachos, too many ingredients), Silvergreen's (yeah we ate at another location, same difference).  Nothing makes you feel like a grown up than ordering exactly as much as you want at a place that you used to consider expensive before you had a full time job.

5. Red Dirt Road: Family friend generously gave us a Jeep ride all through his property in Pozo, CA yesterday (Google it).  It is one of those places that makes you understand where the term "God's country" comes from.  My mental Polaroid was on overdrive as we hauled through the foothills in 85 degree weather.  I know he won't read this, but we can't thank Joey enough for that experience. 

4. UCSB Bookstore: Decided that it was appropriate to outfit our entire house in UCSB gear.  As in, everything they put UCSB on, we now own.  I guess everyone also knows what they are getting for Christmas...

3. Pitcher This: Sam's To Go- it would be virtually impossible for you to go to UCSB, even for a long weekend, and not go to Sam's.  Our time in IV was not just devoted to eating our way through the cess pool.  We sat in the sun, shared 2 pitchers of ice cold beer, chatted with the owner, and just took it all in- how cheesy is that?

2. Modern Family: Have I mentioned how much I love my family?  Have I?  Well, they are so amazing.  My in laws are the most welcoming and fun people to be around, even when they are kicking my butt in cards!  They are a hysterical bunch, and I actually think that, as a whole we are more interesting, funny, and potentially even more neurotic than the Dunphy's.  We all definitely have our own quirks unique just to that person.  My niece, Parker, is a genius, stunning, and is perfect.  You can't convince me otherwise, and if you try I know you are lying, and lying about my family is offensive to me, so I will fight you.

1. Memory Lane Littered: Hand in hand with Colton, we walked the entire length of Del Playa, up to 6839 Sabado, and then back down the length of DP.  It should be noted that we walked in the traditional way, in the very middle of the street with no regard for cars- I miss that.  As we walked, each apartment building brought back memories, some more clear than others, and we saw familiar faces.  Those rundown apartments with their astronomical rent, squashed living spaces, and cemetery after cemetery of furniture long forgotten, represent a huge part of our history- what brought us together, what shaped our early years as individuals and as a couple.  We took lots of pictures of this too, knowing that we may never come back to Isla Vista and have time to walk the length of Del Playa, and I am so glad we did.  If we can't do the DP walk, I hope we can at least find somewhere to walk in the middle of the road.

Until next time, I will be trying to figure out what bag I put my last clean shirt in.

Cut to the Chase: DWTS in 200 words or less

OK my faithful followers (yes, all of you, including the multiple profiles I begged my mom to set up so that it looks popular) I have a confession.  I am SO over DWTS this season.  I don't know if it is because the participants are an uncommon set of forgettable faces, or if it is that Bruno has been behaving himself and is now only verbally molesting the contestants. 

Either way, it is a CHORE to write about this show now, or even to talk about it.  However I promised to stick it out for the rest of the season, and I will honor that, I just never specified HOW I would do that.  This week, I will recap what you need to know about DWTS in 30 words or less.  Forgive my grammar and run on sentences, as they only reflect the complete apathy I have toward all things DWTS this week.

Here we go:

ABC intern got back from spring break with a case of the herp as well as a gallon of spray paint in the shade of nutmeg.  Makeup team, under the impression that the Jersey Shore look is popular, was more than happy to shelac all the contestants in a hearty layer of paint.  All the contestants looked to be one sequined Roman cross away from qualifying for ABC's sister show Douching with the Stars.  Kendra and her fear frozen face (I'm guessing part Botox, part uncertainty at dancing sans pole) was sent home and she regaled the audience with some slutty stripper moves, and for the first time, she looked like a natural.  Buh Bye Kendra, we won't miss you but if we did we could watch your show.  My money is still on Chelsea, she is the best dancer, so if she goes home I....don't really care.  ABC step up your game and bring me some Bachelor Pad! 

Yes, I heart Bachelor Pad, second only to Dating in the Dark.  BP doesn't start until August, presumably because ABC needs to stockpile penicillin, glass objects that fit nicely into small lady hands for throwing, and they need to locate Wes Hayden- last seen playing at Finger Furniture in TX. 



Oh YES!  Or, should I say, OH WES! fm celebritychatta



Performing at Finger AND Fingers?  Big year for the modern day Shakespeare
fm ihategreenbeans.com

Until next time, I will be figuring out how to decrease my word count on DWTS and trying to avoid sodium overload from Cinco de Mayo.  I'm not optimistic about either of those.

Creative Product Placement and Obsession of the Moment

I get impulsed by commercials, they are what I base the majority of my daily purchasing habits on. Now, I work in marketing, so I am fully aware of how and why this happens and the thought and research behind producing a commercial, infomercial, or magazine ad.  However, despite being privy to such “insider” industry information, I have still been able to acquire things that are just plain crap: Tony Little’s Gazelle, Jessica Simpson Hairdo human hair extensions, Slap Chop, etc. The good ones are limited to Bare Escentuals, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, GHD hair straightener, and anything with Febreeze written on it. When I first saw these eye rollers hit the market (a few other companies have them too) I was intrigued. I must have seen the commercials a few times before being in the drugstore and thinking “Oh yah, I should look for that.” The only one I could remember was the Garnier Skin-Renew Anti Dark-Circle Eye Roller. There is also an Anti-Puff roller, but this one looks to have some neutral color to it so I snatched it up.

From Garnier.com, doesn't it just look like it works?

O.M.G. This product is amazing!! The first time I rolled it under my eyes, the cool metal ball instantly soothed my under eye area to the touch. The color that is left is very sheer but it definitely brightens your under eye area! I am hooked, as in seriously hooked, as in I am keeping one at work and one at home hooked. It costs less than $10 and worth every bit. I have used multiple under eye soothers from Origins, Khiel’s, and Laura Mercier to name a few. None can compare to the job that this lil thing does. It even works if you don’t have dark circles but maybe allergies, my allergies make my face feel hot and puffy sometimes, and this is the perfect thing to remedy that 3pm feeling that I should take another Advil Allergy Sinus (and stay up all nigh from the pseudoephedrine).

This past weekend I was in Arroyo Grande visiting my in-laws and Sunday was a girl’s day as the boys were in a golf tournament. I shared the eye roller it with my mother in-law and my sister in-law and they both had the same reaction I did. While they both don’t NEED it, they were surprised by the cool feeling and the skin brightening color that it provided. I want to share this with everyone I know because it is just THAT good, and also I selfishly want to ensure it remains on the market for years to come. Available at drugstores, now go!

Character Building Family Stories (CBFS): Wearing Shorts

What follows here is a story passed down from my parents about my behavior as a young child.  While the details may not be 100% accurate, the gist is in the delivery.

Growing up, there was a park near our house.  We went there so much we just called it "Our Park."  They had the good swings that were could make you go really high, especially if my dad gave us "catdogs" (when he would push the swing so high the slack of the chains would snap) or "underdogs" (less fun, he would push us and run underneath the swing). 

One February morning in Modesto, our family was getting ready to go to Our Park.  February in Modesto usually has highs in the mid fifties, and this day was no exception.  Despite the blistering cold I was hell bent on getting to wear shorts to the park, and apparently threw a tantrum while getting dressed.  I have a suspicion it looked something like this (although I hope I was not still in diapers).  You know, methodical, planned and much, much louder.

I hate when people tell you what to wear, and when I was little it was no different.  Although my childhood pictures will show clothes were not really my thing, if I wanted to wear something else, dammit I was going to!  After much screaming, threatening, kicking and whining, I went to the park bundled up.  It was gray outside and pretty cold, but I wouldn't help but think about how unhappy I was in the outfit I was wearing.  Oh well...fast forward to the park.  My family and I were having a picnic (possibly the funnest thing you can do, even as an adult) and I was trying to maintain tear stained cheeks to remind my parents how pissed I was.  A homeless woman wandered over near our blanket and started going through the trash (After living in San Francisco for 6 years this behavior doesn't make me think twice.  In fact, the trash cans have a top part that you can put your recyclables in so that the scavengers can get them easier.).  She pulled out a stained Taco Bell bag, and started eating whatever was in it.

I was watching her like a hawk, and my parents were watching me thinking "Oh Sh*t, please don't let our loudmouth daughter say anything about the woman who just pulled garbage out of the trash and is eating it in front of our family."  With a slow evil turn I managed to look at my parents, both with surprise and vengeance and I screamed "Well, how come SHE gets to wear SHORTS!!!!"  I want to think that this comment was actually a relief to my parents, since they were anticipating something embarrassing, right?  I wasn't grossed out by her behavior, I was furious at the fact that SHE got to wear shorts that day and my parents had told me over and over NO NO NO!!  Even now I get a little bit heated about what I wear and when, and now that I am an adult, nobody can tell me NO. 

Me and my shorts, in happier times.

Until next time, I will be cutting the legs off of all my pants.  It's summer right?

Character Building Family Stories (CBFS): Emailin' with Buddy

(Sidenote, I am so annoyed with DWTS that I am boycotting a recap this week)

Growing up, my dad stayed at home and my mom worked.  I never thought much of it until I watched the movie Mr Mom.  The scene where the clique of moms take Michael Keaton's character to a male strip club was not actually disturbing to me- I figured that is what my father did while we were at school- because to an 8 year old it seemed to portray reality pretty closely in other ways.  It wasn't until recently that I admitted this faulty speculation to my father, which was met with some hysterical laughter coupled with a disturbing lack of surprise that was intended to make fun of my gullibility but really only seemed to incriminate my dad.

My father is a jack of any and all trades.  He can remodel a room, punish 4 children, grocery shop with two carts, close escrow on 4 houses in a down market, watch an episode of Law and Order, and make a damn delicious gourmet meal in the time it takes normal people to have their morning "movement".  There is one thing that my father has not, probably will not, and doesn't care enough to master: EMAIL.  He uses email for his business, but, let's just say that the man refuses to learn little tricks like "Reply All".  He is an amazing story teller, joke teller, and conversationalist, so it is kind of surprising that his emails lack the same amount of detail.  When I get an email from my dad, it always makes me smile...the other day we got going on what may be considered a conversation, though the lack of punctuation and context would prove otherwise.  You may not find this as funny as I did, so if that is the case, just delete this web address from your browser history so you never accidentally stumble upon it again and I will continue to produce delicious nuggets for those who appreciate such juvenile humor.

(The only editing I did to this chain was to 1. cut and paste so it was in chronological order and 2. take out a really dirty joke that I emailed him.  If you read my earlier post, it was just the rough joke in Bossypants that Tina Fey tells toward the end.)

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 8:09 AM, JP wrote:


Hi Honey,
Hope you and Mr Colton are doing good.Checking to see if might becoming home for Mother Day ?
If you do come home bring me a present too ....... 36 waist 34 inseam
Father

From: Katie Imming
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:01 AM
To: JP
Subject: Re: Good Morning




For sure I will come!! Not sure which date - Fri or Sat or Sun but I will be there, I will check with Colton and make sure he can come too...if he does I will make sure he brings his 32 34 pants for you to steal, hehehe.

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 11:04 AM, JP wrote:


LOL LOL LOL Dad
 
From: Katie Imming

Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:09 AM To: JP
Subject: Re: Good Morning


Glad you learned what LOL means, but do you know these:
GTFO

WTF

STFU

LMAO

ROTFL
I will buy you a cookie if you get any right...

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 11:18 AM, JP wrote:
3 out of five the tpo ones where's my cookie?
 
From: Katie Imming
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 12:54 PM
To: JP
Subject: Re: Good Morning


You have to tell me what they mean, write them out. Then I give you macadamia nut cookie.
 
On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 1:19 PM, JP wrote:
get the f out
what the f
shut the f up
?
?

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 1:49 PM, Katie Imming wrote:
You win!!!
The others are:
Laughing My Ass Off
Rolling On The Floor Laughing
GTFO is the phrase of the day...
Love you!!!!
 
On Thu Apr 28, 2011 at 2:48 JP wrote:
 
Love You !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)


COOKIE :)
 
And, that was it!  Yes, it may not be as funny to an outsider, or even an insider, but it just goes to show you 1. your parents will totally pick up on text speak acronyms 2. despite his lack of interest in email communication my father has slipped about 4-5 inside jokes that live between the lines of these emails and 3. my dad is WAY cooler than yours.

I am the one at the caboose (clothing bottoms weren't really my thing).  

Until next time, I'll be searching for my clothing bottoms and looking into financing spinal fusion surgery as a small apology for using him as a form of transportation for so many years.

Crotch Biscuits: My New Favorite Slang Word

Dostoevsky said (uh I am totally paraphrasing) "Sarcasm is the last refuge of people when the privacy of their soul has been intrusively invaded".  Yikes, if my name was Fyodor I might feel the same way.  Sarcasm, for me, is the bread and butter of my day- the reason I can get through the majority of my meetings without my eyes flopping out of their sockets and my thick red optic nerve swinging them from side to side like a metronome.


Yes, this man looks to have an EXCELLENT sense of humor


I am halfway through Bossypants by Tina Fey, and I have laughed out loud more times than any other book I have ever read (slightly beating My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler and Ruby by VC Andrews that I read for my Tween Book Club with FatBelliedGirl).  Tina Fey makes up her own language, much as she does on 30 Rock, her show.  However, she really outdoes herself in this book, making me fall even more madly in love with her.  Here is a rundown of the items that have made my week (many thanks to my Kindle for telling me how far I have made it into a book):

On Beauty:
Crotch Biscuits: the wobbly triangles on one's inner thigh.

On Emotion:
Blorft: completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to stress with the torpor of a possum.

On Daily Life (this is my most favoritest part ever):
I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that. But now I do.

On Fashion:
Oversize T-shirts, bike shorts, and wrestling shoes. To prevent the silhouette from being to baggy, I would cinch it at the waist with my fanny pack....I was nailing it on a daily basis.

On Tracy Morgan and Cornbread (from 30Rock):
TRACY Like it? I love it! I love that cornbread so much I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant!


This book has merit for the disgruntled business savvy woman looking to shake things up, and she draws on her improv background many times as the engine that drives her decisions and that has made her successful.  While I cannot really walk into someone's office and say "I can't believe your water just broke (annnnnd go)!" I do think the "Yes AND" part is relevant.  Actually I know it is relevant because two years ago we had an actor come to an offsite and teach us the exact same thing.  Tina Fey is every nerdy concoction of funny that I could ever hope to be.  This book is a gem and highly recommended to kick your sarcastic a$$ out of the dumps.

My favorite male nerd of all time, Urkel who?

And I will end with what happens if you Google Image "Nerd Alert".

From slogger.com

Until next time, I will be sitting in my cubicle, wondering where my friendl the night janitor has gone.

CHOKE! It's DWTS, but does anyone really care? (Part Two)

So long, farewell, auf weidersen goobye...to Petra.  The most beautiful, graceful, yet least 'Merican of this rough and tumble group.  I would be more upset, but frankly, I am just waiting for this to all be over.  To go back to a simpler America, one that was less flammable, didn't wear white jeans (I'm looking at you, Toby), and take songs about my beloved country and make half wits pretend to dance to them. 

Next week looks promising, so until then I will be watching a marathon of Toddlers and Tiara's hoping to convince myself that it was all a dream.  That is, until Dateline picks me up for googling "Toddlers and Tiaras America Talent" eek.

CHOKE! It's DWTS, but does anyone really care? (Part One)

OK, so the title is really meant as a pithy punch at me, since millions of people care about DWTS, and I was actually well prepared enough to take notes and write this post as soon as I was done gushing over J Jackson's wretched arms (that rival Madonna's only because they are slightly less vascular).  Then, my week transitioned into slovenly hours spent watching "Head Case" on Netflix and eating BBQ chips for breakfast before brushing my teeth?  TMI?  Yeah, that is the point, I am writing a post and simultaneously shaming myself into submission of a better, less creepy existence.

So, since tomorrow promises to bring about brighter days and better performers and performances on DWTS, I will dutifully recap what was possibly the most awkward few hours of television that I have seen in awhile.  Actually, make that reality television, since Glee has started to make me feel like I am watching Lifetime movies on repeat.  Just keep singing kids, quit the dialogue!

But, I digress. 

It was "America" week on DWTS.  As anyone can tell you, I am a HUGE fan of the 'ol U.S. of A.  The red, white and blue color scheme has always been a flattering vibrant palette for anyone, but also a buffet of hot dogs, apple pie, deviled eggs, baseball (snacks) and shit-kickin seems like a mighty right recipe for a honky tonk weekend! However, dances that originate in Latin or European countries, paired with terrible karaoke versions of American classics, did little more than take a massive turd on the knee of the Lincoln Memorial.  They had even tried to recuscitate with Toby Keith, resident right-wingin'-'Merican-lovin'-terrorist-ass-stompin citizen, but even he looked uncomfortable, bored, and generally pissed that the pigeon interns at DWTS were allowed to pitch ideas the theme that week, and that the one who forgot he worked for Americas Broadcasting Network, won.  I am actually too bored to try and find new ways to describe the heresy conducted, so I will just succinctly describe the dancers/ dances/ and any other details I chose to write down.  Then, maybe, just maybe, I can get this all behind me in time to go find some Easter eggs that our neighbor kids were too blind to find (hahahahaha, 3 year olds and their terrible sight).

Last rant before lists, promise, I just want to point out that only one of the judges- Carrie Ann- may be American.  I would bet my last dollar on the fact that Bruno/Lem would have immediately halted production had they seen similar defecations being made at the Island of Misfit Toys.

Ralph/ Karina | Samba | "Sweet Home Alabama" - yah, it started out with a bang.  I changed the channel at least twice during this monstrosity as I thought I was watching a Telemundo episode where they make fun of American culture.  No such luck, it was simply the Karate Kid (I know this now) and his spatula hands looking like a kid who just peed himself at his first recorder recital. 

Chris J/ Cheryl | Viennese Waltz | America the Beautiful - Chris Jericho is still super hot, and he was in uniform, Shut.Up.  The cheese factor here was relatively low since it was one of few combinations where the footwork matched the song.  Oh, AND he was in.uniform.hot.  I just wish the camera men would stop panning to some broke chick in the audience, who I understand may be his wife.

Petra/ Dmitri | Quick Step | Leaving Las Vegas - Petra is 'dorable, surrriously.  This combo, however, was the most atrocious of the night.

Romeo/ Chelsea | Foxtrot | New York New York - Romeo actually looked really cute and smiley.  you cannot help but like him even though he sticks his tongue out when dancing.  This combo did not work together, but their scores were good.

Hines Ward/ Kym | Rhumba | Proud to be an American - Another uniform.hot.  His moves were limited but he did pretty well overall.

Kirstie/ Maks | Foxtrot | American Woman- They were nice enough to bring in Johnny Travolta and give him a respite from measuring his theton levels, lure him to her house on the premise of casting for another Look Who's Talking, and have him give pretend advice to the woman who the most star power of anyone left.  She looked gigantic/ hungry/ and uncomfortable in her outfit all at the same time.  Her scored reflected a decent performance, which was the most surprising bit of all.  I think my theton levels need to be checked.

Kendra/ Louis | Foxtrot | Yankee Doodle- GROAN GROAN GROAN. Bad fake facial hair. GROAN.  Kendra whining about last week and her aversion to elegance.  GROAN.  They looked like a creepy father/ daughter combo from Toddlers and Tiaras during the talent portion.


Chelsea/ Mark | Samba | Party in the USA- of course they give the spry 22 year old the only song that was written in the last 50 years.  To compensate for the fact that they gave her a semblence of a chance on the number, they put her in fringe tastic vomit to age her appropriately.  Nice one ABC. 

So, all in all, I don't care about the scores.  However, I care about the atrocity that was the song and dance combination. 

I'll be curled up in a ball, untangling fringe balls, trying to slow dance to Shania.

Control: Janet, Ms Jackson if Ya Nasty

OK so I am TOTALLY flaking on DWTS this week and going to do a recap later. I have a very good reason- I am seeing Miss Janet Jackson in concert tonight!! It is all her number one songs and it is in a very small auditorium. Bay Area Flash Mob will be there and doing their thing at 6:30 and at 7:00- I cannot wait!!!



When I was younger I bought the Janet Jackson cassettes and CDs. My parents found the lyrics and were appalled so I had it taken away from me for years! Can you believe it? Being deprived of Janet was definitely stunting my sexual maturity. I mean, seriously, that picture of her with someone gently cupping her breasts? Or, what about her lyrics to songs like “If”, “Black Cat”, “Rope Burn”, and “Nasty”? I swear, I searched everywhere in my house, in all my parents hiding spots both usual and unusual, and never found that damn CD. Finally, one day I was deemed old enough to hear it- which probably had to do with the fact that my dance teacher only taught songs by Janet. I listened the CRAP out of those once I got them. Danced in my room like a rockstar, thought I was sexy as hell, even now hearing a Janet song can get me biting my lip, writhing around my house, and snapping my neck back and forth.

The body we all aspire to have, I hope she flaunts it.

I got my Rodarte sheer dress, dancing shoes, and the Anna, author of Fat Bellied Girl to come and shake our groove thangs to the one, the only, Miss Janet Jackson!

Culmination of True Love

This past long weekend, I was in my bff Amy’s wedding to Nathan Grijalva. It was an absolutely beautiful wedding, she looked simply stunning. As much as my dress was not attractive on me and uncomfortable, the feeling of getting to closely witness the union of two people who love each other so much is truly special. Rather than try to describe everything here is my top 8 of what I loved about their wedding:




8. Amy’s dress, aside from my own, the prettiest wedding dress I have ever seen.


7. Her impeccable eye for detail (pictures to come later of all of the details that I know she slaved over, my Type A lobster).


6. The hysterical, pee in your pants laughing that ensued with everyone there. My stomach hurts so bad today.


5. Someone asking me “If I was OK” out of nowhere and me giving a bitchy “yeah, I’m fiiiine.”. Then two hours later, the same woman came up to apologize because she thought I was the “other blonde bridesmaid- the one who was hammered” (who also happened to be passed out in my bed.


4. Seeing my husband on his knees pounding a Sminoff Ice.


3. Getting to see all my best friends in one place, getting ready together, and acting like a bunch of girls.


2. Ripping the waist of my bridesmaid dress while playing air hockey with Colton.


1. Hearing Nate’s voice crack when he said his vows, and Amy’s too.






Pictures to come!

Come On! Kendra and Kirstie Stay!

Confession: I watched Part 2 of DWTS last night in about 30 minutes while I was making a practice bouquet for my friend Amy (I refuse to use a paper plate, so I made ribbon rosettes, floral tape and stems to create something awesome). Kirstie Alley and Kendra both looked like Paula Abdul near the end of an audition day- not expecting to make it.


So, I won't sugar coat it (no pun intended) but Sugar Ray Leonard was eliminated. It was possibly because his partner wore a Prostitute-Baby-Barbie outfit, and possibly because America just couldn’t handle him being so darn adorable. He was gracious and so complimentary about leaving and the show, it was what every eliminated contestant should watch before they go on any reality show.

Now, Daddeh….video is too long to embed, but it is worth the watch.  Trust me, only part that is missing is "Annie Herman...boy-yoy-yoing!!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zYB0XPGkVU


Until next DWTS, I will be sitting on the floor, trying to put my other shoe on.

Casting for Office Hoarders? Look no further!

While I am not at all bothered by the fact that the night janitor and I are on first name basis, and he often comments about my post work outfits (last Thursday I was wearing an orange maxi skirt and blue sweater, to which he exclaimed "Ohhh Carnival!!!").  However, tonight the extent of my hoarding became obvious as I tried to gather my things to make my desk area look presentable.  First, it was the shoes:

Since I don't ever go home barefoot, this is a concerning sight.  I did line them up, so at least I am a hoarder with determined organization.

Then, I opened my coat drawer.  Yes, it is a small, pitiful little locker size cupboard, but I somehow managed to fit: a khaki trench, a khaki North Face jacket, a denim jacket, and a suit jacket in here.  None of these items have been worn in the last 6 months- though there are probably many times I needed them.  The picture of that didn't turn out as well (i.e. made me look really crazy) so I am not posting it.

So please, call A&E and have them send someone to gut my desk (and my house) and fill it with organizational items like shelves, labels, cupboards, and color coded things!

Classy Music, Bruno Writhes, and Kirstie Alley Loses A Shoe (Who Loses A Shoe?)

Before I launch into what happened last night, it is only appropriate that I relate to you WHO these “stars” are that are appearing on DWTS this 12th season. Apparently, not everyone can get on a Proactiv commercial.


The lineup is as follows, DWTS describes them in very generous terms, but here is how I know them:

Mike Catherwood (already eliminated)- Loveline DJ, meaning he is really knowledgeable in things like excessive masturbation.

Wendy Williams (already eliminated)- she’s a regular on the Soup and cried into her weave.


Kirstie Alley- star of Look Who’s Talking series

Ralph Macchio- I actually had to Google this, but he was the Karate Kid, known for spatula hands.

Chelsea Kane- apparently is on the Disney channel, probably something like “That’s So Hannah Montana’s Suite Life”. I like her hair.

Chris Jericho- did commentary for VH1 “I love the 70’s and 80’s and probably the 90’s”. Oh yeah and he does that WW(insert vowel) type of wrestling.

Romeo- aka “Lil Romeo”. Rapper and basketball player, I seem to also remember a really gross rumor about him from years ago too.

Sugar Ray Leonard- played a father on Troop Beverly Hills- don’t act like you don’t remember “He’s the best, He’s the greatest, He’s MY DAD, James the Jackhammer Shakaaar. Now Daddeh- shake the man’s hand and let’s me on.our.way”

Hines Ward- football (grunt.grunt) football.

Petra Nemcova- A model they convinced that she was enough past her prime to do the show.

Kendra Wilkinson- Known for sleeping with someone who could be mistaken for turkey jerky and only wears pajamas (which I am jealous of- the wearing pajamas part).

As per usual, our judges are Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno. Bruno is especially excited this evening as his hyena libido transplant has taken quite nicely and the only noticeable side effects are his gyration and grinding of the air and the judges table, along with some slight foaming in the corners of his mouth.

It should be noted, that these are NOT my favorite reality show judges, and Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke are also low on my list of favorite hosts. Tom really should go back to America’s Funniest Home Videos, but I guess with You Tube, America has access to a plethora of shots to the groin, babies being cute, and people in tapered mom jeans falling into kiddie pools.

But, I digress, I'm here to judge not muse.

Tom and Brooke spend a large portion of the show talking about the 46 member orchestra, the “fastest violinist in the world” David Garrett and singer Katherine Jenkins. Yes (spoiler alert), they are talented, so why are they playing/ singing/ using their talents while Kirstie Alley sits on her arse and tries to fix her shoe?

The dances weren’t that exciting this week, the show is not to the point yet where really good scores are given out all the time, Len has regular diaper changings, and Bruno’s antics aren’t quite as creepy. So, to spare you the annoyance, I will summarize:

Chelsea Kane- I think she is the best, love her haircut. Did a “Viennese Waltz” to a song from Harry Potter. Looked more like it could be on SYTYCD than DWTS. Still, I pick her to win, she got the top score too.

Romeo- Turned in a vocal performance of the Paso Doble. Carrie Ann called it “swagger” but he might as well have been saying his counts out loud. “Boom” “Bah” “Ba Dum Bum”- He was ok, needs to shut his face.

Kendra- smirked her way through a Viennese Waltz. I felt like America got to see the look on her face when she would tell Hef she wanted to have sex with him. Her moves resembled that of a lunchtime buffet stripper, she just didn’t try very hard, and the popcorn chicken outperformed.

Sugar Ray Leonard- he’s pretty darn good, and good looking for his age. His partner wore a ridiculous doll costume which made him look a little pervy. I bet he goes far.

Petra Nemcova- Bruno and Carrie Ann loved her performance, but I was bored and it seemed as if she was always a step off. Her face looked more pinched than smoldering. She may go far because being skinny means you can have great lines.

Ralph Macchio- Honestly, didn’t remember who this guy was, and don’t remember watching him dance.

Hines Ward- the judges like him and he was kind of hot during his Paso Doble, definitely beating Romeo in the “jacket with no undershirt” contest.

Chris Jericho- note, DWTS producers made sure that fire was erupting from all over the stage during all the dances. Chris is the only one who could have created it himself. Dayum, he looks good, he could throw a chair against my back anyday.

Kirstie Alley- her shoe fell off and she never got the memo to just keep dancing, and she sat on the floor for a few awkward seconds while her partner danced around her, then offered his hands to help her up. I feel bad for her, I want her to get it in gear.

Kendra ended up last, with the lowest score. Fortunately, she knows what it is like to be the last favorite girlfriend dancer. However, I really think she will stick around because she has tig ‘ol bitties, her own show on E!, a lot of followers on Twitter, and is naked at least 30% of the day. Ralph Macho-who should be eliminated simply because he has the star power of an old potato peeler. They optimized that kitchen utensil for a reason.



From AntiqueUtensils.com

Tomorrow/ tonight I will write a short post about the results.  My home girl Jennifer Hudson, and current Weight Watcher officionado, is singing.  I signed up for WW this past weekend, but you are not allowed to email her directly- just look at all her skinny pics.

Until then, point those toes, keep your shoes on, and don't be afraid to discuss boundaries with the Bruno in your life.

'Cuz I Think I Can Dance: DWTS Recaps Here!

Aside from the other things I want to accomplish via this blog, I feel it is my duty to recap some form of reality television.  While I usually gravitate towards shows starrring Bret Michels, Bret Michels' ex hookups, and the vH1 reality du jour, I really cannot bring myself to follow the "Audrina-Helium-Eyes" disaster that is going to start on the 17th.

I can't even post the trailer to that trash on here, that is how awful it is.  And I watched every season of Flavor of Love- live, and then recently started watching it again on Netflix.

Rather, I will go with what I know- dance.  Yep, it is a few weeks into the DWTS season, but hell- it is a good one.  My 90 year old great aunt Rose and I have a long tradition of serious discussions around the show itself, but here I can unleash a little more baseless humor and relentless judgement. 

Tune in for recap, bets on winners/ losers, and other musings as I sit on my arse while other people work out.

Can it really be one year?

Today is my one year wedding anniversary.  365 days ago Colton and I tied the knot at Crystal Springs Golf Course in Burlingame.  To celebrate, we went and got massages this morning and then breakfast.  I have now realized that our wedding anniversary will forever fall on the same day as the Masters Golf Tournament, so that is now the activity of the day.

Have a great week!

City Springing!

Took a two hour respite from working today to go run some errands.  I have been at my office so much that my chair is always warm (which kind of grosses me out).  Where does a girl go when she needs a change of scenery?  Why Nieman Marcus of course!  The shiny marble and clean walls peppered with the new seasons from Jil Sander, Marni, and Chloe prompted much salivation and digressions from what I actually walked in there to get.  I walked out with something beige, although in my defense, it was from Spanx Haute Couture line.  See, I am a bridesmaid in a wedding next weekend wearing an apple slice color dress and, without the Spanx, I look like I am smuggling a bag of apples.

After Niem's, I walked in the San Francisco sunshine and passed Hermes where I saw this brilliant window display:

So sophisticated, yet I couldn't help but feel a little nervous that their $200 ties next to jars of paint, the wooden models are at least wearing aprons.

I continued to my next destination, Shimmer Tan.  Yes, I know it is bad for me, and you can judge me for it, but did I mention that the bridesmaid dress is apple slice?  And that I have to wear it next weekend?  10 minutes in a high power standup booth, and I felt like I had laid out at the beach!

On the walk back to my office, I felt brighter, invigorated, and then got this little gem stuck in my head:

I only like the first 20 seconds, the solos are pretty terrible, and I like that it starts with Alice scrubbing the floors.

Have your own sunshine day- it's almost Friday!

Case of the Mund-ays.

Today never stood a chance, aside from the normal amt of spicy emails awaiting me in my inbox, Friday's leftovers washed my pleasant attitude away like a Proactiv three step system after a camping weekend. Minus that refreshing tingle.

On my morning commute, which can take up to 90 minutes, I mused about the various things that were already going wrong. I quickly realized that, yes, it does make me feel momentarily better to groan/grunt/scoff/swear at the things really grinding my gears- that's exactly what everyone on the bus is doing. Complaining about co-workers, families, and all facets of life isn't original- or cute, its just beige. When nothing but incessant whining takes place as you travel to your job that pays you enough money to live in one of the most iconic cities in the world, where people come to vacation and ooh and ahh at the sites that you jog by when you feel like getting exercise, then COME ON!

I'm not expecting my pissing and moaning to stop, and some of it is a little cathartic, but it needs some boundaries. Starting today, I can only bitch about any one person/place/thing/verb for 3 seconds, and have to counteract that negative energy by putting one truly positive warm your stomach and chest thought out there. That being said, wearing my floral Gucci shoes today, and getting a well made Starbucks don't count.

Update at work: it is 11:16am and I think the rest of my day needs to be spent in silent gratitude to make up for the morning.  Crap.

Catalyst: Hamsters and Vintage Game Shows

Hamsters never stop to smell the roses, look around, and realize that while they sprint on their wheel, that there is an entire world that may be worth paying attention to.  For as busy as they seem, hamsters are pretty unproductive.  I would only run on a wheel if I was a contestant on Double Dare and the next obstacle was The Doggie Door.  Not to digress, but Doggie Door was ALWAYS the hardest, when I would see Marc Summers describing the course, I would cringe and shake my head as he got to the foodbowl.  Not many contestants made it past the the Doggie Door.

Anyway, back to hamsters.  In the last few weeks, I caught myself describing my life in such cliche’s like:

“Just keeping my head down and running.”
“Busy running on that hamster wheel.”
“On the wheel that never stops.”

These responses were acceptable, and even encouraged by those that heard them, and I started to envision myself as a hamster- wood chips and all.  Growing up, my brother had a hamster named Hamsty (the first in a long line of highly inventive pet names like BunBun and Ratsy) and he lived in our room.  He stunk to high heaven, but my brother loved him.  I don’t remember spending any time with Hamsty,  as I wasn’t a particular fan of rodents/animals.  However, I do remember the clear ball that was his one escape from his square foot cage.  He would run all around the house, the bubble shielding him from wall corners, chairs, and feet.  Upon being returned to his atrium, Hamsty would get back on his wheel and do his thing.  He didn’t stop and think about all the things he saw, where he had been, and what it would mean for the rest of his life...because he was a hamster. 

I’ve been living my life like Hamsty, just running and not looking.  In the last year, I married my best friend, a wonderful man that has stood by me through thick and thin, gone on trips, moved into our own house, and started our own life.  It sounds so utopian, and it probably could be, but add in corporate jobs, commuting, grown up responsibilities and commitments, and you have two hamsters living in Sausalito, California. 

I’m not going to be a hamster anymore.  The beige woodchips, beige food, even beige fur do not represent who I am.  I’m not going to only look 6 inches in front of my face, run for no reason, and stink up the place.

For my first mission, I’ll take the physical challenge: my beige house. 

This is a picture of Hamsty with my brother and sister, you can see his plastic ball, but mostly you can see what freaking cute kids my siblings were.