CHOKE! It's DWTS, but does anyone really care? (Part One)

OK, so the title is really meant as a pithy punch at me, since millions of people care about DWTS, and I was actually well prepared enough to take notes and write this post as soon as I was done gushing over J Jackson's wretched arms (that rival Madonna's only because they are slightly less vascular).  Then, my week transitioned into slovenly hours spent watching "Head Case" on Netflix and eating BBQ chips for breakfast before brushing my teeth?  TMI?  Yeah, that is the point, I am writing a post and simultaneously shaming myself into submission of a better, less creepy existence.

So, since tomorrow promises to bring about brighter days and better performers and performances on DWTS, I will dutifully recap what was possibly the most awkward few hours of television that I have seen in awhile.  Actually, make that reality television, since Glee has started to make me feel like I am watching Lifetime movies on repeat.  Just keep singing kids, quit the dialogue!

But, I digress. 

It was "America" week on DWTS.  As anyone can tell you, I am a HUGE fan of the 'ol U.S. of A.  The red, white and blue color scheme has always been a flattering vibrant palette for anyone, but also a buffet of hot dogs, apple pie, deviled eggs, baseball (snacks) and shit-kickin seems like a mighty right recipe for a honky tonk weekend! However, dances that originate in Latin or European countries, paired with terrible karaoke versions of American classics, did little more than take a massive turd on the knee of the Lincoln Memorial.  They had even tried to recuscitate with Toby Keith, resident right-wingin'-'Merican-lovin'-terrorist-ass-stompin citizen, but even he looked uncomfortable, bored, and generally pissed that the pigeon interns at DWTS were allowed to pitch ideas the theme that week, and that the one who forgot he worked for Americas Broadcasting Network, won.  I am actually too bored to try and find new ways to describe the heresy conducted, so I will just succinctly describe the dancers/ dances/ and any other details I chose to write down.  Then, maybe, just maybe, I can get this all behind me in time to go find some Easter eggs that our neighbor kids were too blind to find (hahahahaha, 3 year olds and their terrible sight).

Last rant before lists, promise, I just want to point out that only one of the judges- Carrie Ann- may be American.  I would bet my last dollar on the fact that Bruno/Lem would have immediately halted production had they seen similar defecations being made at the Island of Misfit Toys.

Ralph/ Karina | Samba | "Sweet Home Alabama" - yah, it started out with a bang.  I changed the channel at least twice during this monstrosity as I thought I was watching a Telemundo episode where they make fun of American culture.  No such luck, it was simply the Karate Kid (I know this now) and his spatula hands looking like a kid who just peed himself at his first recorder recital. 

Chris J/ Cheryl | Viennese Waltz | America the Beautiful - Chris Jericho is still super hot, and he was in uniform, Shut.Up.  The cheese factor here was relatively low since it was one of few combinations where the footwork matched the song.  Oh, AND he was in.uniform.hot.  I just wish the camera men would stop panning to some broke chick in the audience, who I understand may be his wife.

Petra/ Dmitri | Quick Step | Leaving Las Vegas - Petra is 'dorable, surrriously.  This combo, however, was the most atrocious of the night.

Romeo/ Chelsea | Foxtrot | New York New York - Romeo actually looked really cute and smiley.  you cannot help but like him even though he sticks his tongue out when dancing.  This combo did not work together, but their scores were good.

Hines Ward/ Kym | Rhumba | Proud to be an American - Another uniform.hot.  His moves were limited but he did pretty well overall.

Kirstie/ Maks | Foxtrot | American Woman- They were nice enough to bring in Johnny Travolta and give him a respite from measuring his theton levels, lure him to her house on the premise of casting for another Look Who's Talking, and have him give pretend advice to the woman who the most star power of anyone left.  She looked gigantic/ hungry/ and uncomfortable in her outfit all at the same time.  Her scored reflected a decent performance, which was the most surprising bit of all.  I think my theton levels need to be checked.

Kendra/ Louis | Foxtrot | Yankee Doodle- GROAN GROAN GROAN. Bad fake facial hair. GROAN.  Kendra whining about last week and her aversion to elegance.  GROAN.  They looked like a creepy father/ daughter combo from Toddlers and Tiaras during the talent portion.


Chelsea/ Mark | Samba | Party in the USA- of course they give the spry 22 year old the only song that was written in the last 50 years.  To compensate for the fact that they gave her a semblence of a chance on the number, they put her in fringe tastic vomit to age her appropriately.  Nice one ABC. 

So, all in all, I don't care about the scores.  However, I care about the atrocity that was the song and dance combination. 

I'll be curled up in a ball, untangling fringe balls, trying to slow dance to Shania.