The lineup is as follows, DWTS describes them in very generous terms, but here is how I know them:
Kirstie Alley- star of Look Who’s Talking series
Ralph Macchio- I actually had to Google this, but he was the Karate Kid, known for spatula hands.
Chelsea Kane- apparently is on the Disney channel, probably something like “That’s So Hannah Montana’s Suite Life”. I like her hair.
Chris Jericho- did commentary for VH1 “I love the 70’s and 80’s and probably the 90’s”. Oh yeah and he does that WW(insert vowel) type of wrestling.
Romeo- aka “Lil Romeo”. Rapper and basketball player, I seem to also remember a really gross rumor about him from years ago too.
Sugar Ray Leonard- played a father on Troop Beverly Hills- don’t act like you don’t remember “He’s the best, He’s the greatest, He’s MY DAD, James the Jackhammer Shakaaar. Now Daddeh- shake the man’s hand and let’s me on.our.way”
Hines Ward- football (grunt.grunt) football.
Petra Nemcova- A model they convinced that she was enough past her prime to do the show.
Kendra Wilkinson- Known for sleeping with someone who could be mistaken for turkey jerky and only wears pajamas (which I am jealous of- the wearing pajamas part).
As per usual, our judges are Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno. Bruno is especially excited this evening as his hyena libido transplant has taken quite nicely and the only noticeable side effects are his gyration and grinding of the air and the judges table, along with some slight foaming in the corners of his mouth.
It should be noted, that these are NOT my favorite reality show judges, and Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke are also low on my list of favorite hosts. Tom really should go back to America’s Funniest Home Videos, but I guess with You Tube, America has access to a plethora of shots to the groin, babies being cute, and people in tapered mom jeans falling into kiddie pools.
But, I digress, I'm here to judge not muse.
Tom and Brooke spend a large portion of the show talking about the 46 member orchestra, the “fastest violinist in the world” David Garrett and singer Katherine Jenkins. Yes (spoiler alert), they are talented, so why are they playing/ singing/ using their talents while Kirstie Alley sits on her arse and tries to fix her shoe?
The dances weren’t that exciting this week, the show is not to the point yet where really good scores are given out all the time, Len has regular diaper changings, and Bruno’s antics aren’t quite as creepy. So, to spare you the annoyance, I will summarize:
Chelsea Kane- I think she is the best, love her haircut. Did a “Viennese Waltz” to a song from Harry Potter. Looked more like it could be on SYTYCD than DWTS. Still, I pick her to win, she got the top score too.
Romeo- Turned in a vocal performance of the Paso Doble. Carrie Ann called it “swagger” but he might as well have been saying his counts out loud. “Boom” “Bah” “Ba Dum Bum”- He was ok, needs to shut his face.
Kendra- smirked her way through a Viennese Waltz. I felt like America got to see the look on her face when she would tell Hef she wanted to have sex with him. Her moves resembled that of a lunchtime buffet stripper, she just didn’t try very hard, and the popcorn chicken outperformed.
Sugar Ray Leonard- he’s pretty darn good, and good looking for his age. His partner wore a ridiculous doll costume which made him look a little pervy. I bet he goes far.
Petra Nemcova- Bruno and Carrie Ann loved her performance, but I was bored and it seemed as if she was always a step off. Her face looked more pinched than smoldering. She may go far because being skinny means you can have great lines.
Ralph Macchio- Honestly, didn’t remember who this guy was, and don’t remember watching him dance.
Hines Ward- the judges like him and he was kind of hot during his Paso Doble, definitely beating Romeo in the “jacket with no undershirt” contest.
Chris Jericho- note, DWTS producers made sure that fire was erupting from all over the stage during all the dances. Chris is the only one who could have created it himself. Dayum, he looks good, he could throw a chair against my back anyday.
Kirstie Alley- her shoe fell off and she never got the memo to just keep dancing, and she sat on the floor for a few awkward seconds while her partner danced around her, then offered his hands to help her up. I feel bad for her, I want her to get it in gear.
Kendra ended up last, with the lowest score. Fortunately, she knows what it is like to be the last favorite girlfriend dancer. However, I really think she will stick around because she has tig ‘ol bitties, her own show on E!, a lot of followers on Twitter, and is naked at least 30% of the day. Ralph Macho-who should be eliminated simply because he has the star power of an old potato peeler. They optimized that kitchen utensil for a reason.
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| From AntiqueUtensils.com |
Until then, point those toes, keep your shoes on, and don't be afraid to discuss boundaries with the Bruno in your life.
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